Thursday, January 04, 2007

A modern take on the birds and the bees

Fortunately I never had to undergo that conversation with my dad (or mom), but I think I have it down. Anyway, in a seemingly unrelated note, Liz and I got an Xbox 360, which is an awesome little gizmo if you know how to use it right (many folks don't know they can stream music, videos, pictures, and even TV from their PC), and our favorite game for it is Viva Pinata. So where am I going with this?

Well Viva Pinata is a game, intended for all ages (complete with its own cartoon on TV) where one raises pinatas (knowing their cute side, I don't think I could ever smash one any more). These pinatas come in 60+ varieties ranging from worms to elephants (and yes, there are bids and bees), eat, drink, sleep, cause a ruckus and breed. Oh, there is a point to this blog, isn't there?

Yes breeding, the pinatas breed, and you have to do so to succeed in the game. You first have to have a pair (lesson 1: it takes two to tango); next you need to get them a crib (no sleeping in the bushes); then you need to make sure they both are in the mood (only consensual pinata sex here); and lastly you need to play matchmaker (you did see Fiddler on the Roof, didn't you?). The act of nookie is preceded by a minigame, where you must lead one gallant member of the breeding pair to the other. Note there are no set genders, so it's all very progressive. On the way, you collect coins (lesson 2: "Now I aint sayin she a gold digger, But she aint messin wit no broke niggas"). After the quest, which has various pitfalls (lesson 3: don't mess with her friends, as they can ruin any chance at romance), you get the prize. A few moments later, the game breaks into a cut scene; this is where the magic happens. These animations range from cute, to outright National Geographic grade animal porn--some even are too bizarre for words.

After all of this, an egg appears (all pinatas, even mammals, spawn from eggs), and you must wait it out for the youngin'. Oh and once it hatches, all bets are off in terms of Oedipus issues. These issues aside, it sure is nice that parents can just give their kids a game to accomplish what hokey videos and awkward talks used to. You also can learn how to be a pimp, run a puppy mill, or even a sweatshop. Basically, if replaces the need for most schooling. $50 never seemed like such a good investment. Those Leapster gizmos seem like a ripoff in comparison.

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