Tuesday, January 09, 2007

At least they still have that darn band

Yesterday I wrote about the upcoming match-up between good and evil; right and wrong; culture and hillbilliness ... The battle was waged, and despite a bad beginning, all went well (kinda like the Rebel Alliance loosing Alderan, but winning the war). What made it all so much sweeter was enjoying it with my comrades (that and the free food).

Leading up to the game, all we heard were tales of how unworthy Florida is and how great the Buckeyes. What is a buckeye? A nut--a poisonous nut. I'm not Steve Irwin, so I'll take my chances with a nut any day over a Gator. I think a few more people realize that today. Anyway, before the games meat markets had 'gator meat', which was advertised as tasting like chicken, as that's what it really was. I haven't seen any cock fighting, but I've seen an alligator tear apart a dear. There must be a difference. A local pizza chain had a special 'Block O' pizza, which was really a clever scam to sell a pepperoni pizza with less pepperoni (up until recently Ohio State didn't have any admission standards, so this was like taking candy from a baby). When I wasn't being oppressed within the economy, I was being badgered at work (now a badger can be kinda scary, kinda like a wolverine, but I still would rather take on both than a Gator--silly Buckeyes just didn't know what they were up against).

The Local chapter of the Rebel Alliance Gator Club hosted a viewing party, so we figured we had to join in the fun. Liz was a trooper and joined me in our early attempt to case the joint and establish a foothold on some prime real estate. Our efforts quickly paid off with rather good free food and various beverages. Soon we were joined by Steve, Malachi, and Darlene, who brought us good luck by rubbing her Gator-to-be belly. Soon all was left was to graze the free food and wait and wait.

Imperial spies penetrated our stronghold, but they were outnumbered (not to mention outclassed), and when the game began, they were delighted with the early happenings. They were short lived, as good prevailed over evil, and freedom reigned over the formerly oppressed. For one night, the evil clutches of Buckeyedom were crushed and obliterated. Through it all, alcohol helped keep the agents of evil in denial, even prompting them to play the Imperial March Hang on Sloopy. Undaunted the rebels just danced away, and low and behold, that slutty crackwhore bitch sloopy let go. In the end, the distraught, beaten, and humiliated couldn't bear to make eye contact. When I could catch a glimpse of their expressions, it almost seemed like they lost a piece of their soul.

As you can see in the picture above, even the modestly named "The Best Damn Band in the Land" (Ohio State is also good at Synchronized Swimming--football is really the only weak link. Shit, they lost in basketball too).

Well today is a new day. The skies over Columbus are Buckeye gray, and there many eyes scarlet from a night of tears. I know down in Florida, it is warm, sunny, and folks are happier for the win, but they're not obsessed. They have the beach, nice weather, and so much more, and football is just a game. Maybe one day the deranged Buckeyes up here will get that. Buckeyes really are poisonous--they lead to an unhealthy obsession with all things scarlet and gray.

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