Wednesday, May 24, 2006

dildos, butt plugs, anal beads, blow up dolls, pocket pussies, double dongs, and vibrators

Once upon a time, I was seeking ways to make an extra buck (OK, I'm always seeking ways to make an extra buck), and I began daydreaming of different strategies to make a buck. I already was fixing PCs via my Rent a Nerd business, which did well enough, but I wanted to see what else I could come up with. A bunch of crazy-ass ideas entered my head, and I even ventured to mention a few to friends, which garnered more than a few laughs and odd looks. Undeterred, I kept the dream alive, and one day I was cruising in my pimpmobile, and the idea came to me.

Nookieway! Yes, a whole new galaxy of sexual toys and novelties (novelty is an interesting concept, which is mostly a ploy to avoid the usual FTC regulation of other devices). Anyway, I had more than a passing familiarity with the industry from my ex, and I had the necessary web skillz to pull it off. I didn't exactly want to deal with wholesalers or have an apartment full of dildos, butt plugs, anal beads, blow up dolls, pocket pussies, double dongs, vibrators, and other stuff I'd rather not mention, nor was the notion of returns that palatable, so I needed to find a better solution. I bought the domain name, set up my own web server, started on graphics, and did some research. In time I found a company which would work kinda like Tupperware or Mary Kay, just much cooler and all online. I'd find customers, they'd get their shit from this third party, and I'd get my cut (25f gross). The site looked custom, but the backend was shared with thousands of other fine merchants of smut.

At first it was slow, as few folks new of the site, and fewer still ordered. In time I had links (not many sites want to exchange links with a dildo mart), mostly on Hentai sites (an odd synergy of dorks and hornballs). Visitors picked up so did buyers (mostly dykes in Vermont). I got a few checks, and it ran its course from crazy idea to relatively unsuccessful business/interesting story to tell to people. I still own the store, but the domain lapsed and lord knows who owns it now.

Once I was at a gathering of Nationwiders after work (nothing work related--it was at a sports bar for Christ's sake), and one of the associates' wife had heard about my business. She had all sorts of questions (either her or hubby wanted a butt plug), and we talked for a bit, while hubby was wasted. He sorta came to when I gave her a card, and he was pissed (hehe, I know who likes the butt plug). Anyway, nothing happed, as no one really wants to fight a big ass pimp like me. Still a funny story.

Well, no more sex toy store, but I'm a pimp, and I still have my hoes. I'd write about them, but new privacy laws and shit makes it hard to do. Back in the day a pimp never had to think of HR issues and shit. Heck, I can't even fire that crippled ho of mine due to the restrictions imposed with the Americans with Disabilities Act. What's sad is that she's my top earner. Shit, I've already wrote too much. I should be getting a call from my attorney.

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