I'm a PC

I've always been a PC, though before that I was a Commodore 64.  I was the computer geek you made fun of in school, and also the one who helped fix your computer when it became cool to have one.  I didn't mind either role, and I kinda appreciated the latter, as it signified the accepance of PCs in our world.  I was becoming a bit more cool.

I've used Macs for 25 years, but I never felt at home with one.  I missed the second mouse button, an eject button on disc drives (they likely were before your time), and more than anything, I missed the ability to do stuff.  Underpowered and under-gamed, there wasn't much a Mac could do before it crashed.  Even when Steve Jobs came back iMacs and iPods gained conciousness, they were still underpowered and overpriced, but then things changed, almost as if the Mac went through puberty and grew a pair.  People began to see iPods as cool, and they opened up to Apple.  Apple finally had an operating system that didn't crash, and before long they became pretty PCs that could even run Windows.  Then they started to get cocky.  The Mac started taunting me with an endles stream of commercials, mocking me.  No matter what I watched, it was there, not quite as bad as those damned "Saved by Zero" commercials.  Couldn't the Dell Dude stand in for the I'm a PC guy?  Maybe they could just smoke a bowl and get along together, and not mock me?

This was all still rather trite and silly, as no one I knew and respected used a Mac.  Sure some people dabbled with one, a dirty weekend fling or something, but they showered up and returned to their true love, the PC.  That all changed this week, when my homie decided to take his Mac envy to the next level.  He looked, he touched, and he bought into the hype.  Couldn't there be a Cheaters style show for these circumstances?  Couldn't we just Punk him and shame him into getting a PC instead?  All would be forgiven, and maybe we could just down a beer and laugh about it.

You see it's not that he's a lame poser, wooed by style and marketing schtick.  No, he's genuinely cool.  Ladies like him, guys like him; he sings, he writes; and he can make a mean homemade jalapeno popper.  What's worse is that he's molding young minds, so we haven't just lost one to the cause, but maybe four!  Now whenever I come over, the Mac will be there, staring me down and saying, he's mine bitch.  I'll have to keep an eye out for a Bang & Olufsen catelog or  Scientology's dreaded E-Meter.  I don't even know if I can stop myself from slashing the tires on the Prius that he'll inevitably be crusing around in.

I'm a PC, and I'm just not cool enough for a Mac.  I'm off to take a long shower to wash away my shame.

Emulation is the sincerest form of flattery

Well if that's the case, our Wii has really boosted the self esteem of old NES, Genesis, SNES, and even Saturn consoles that line landfills across the world. What the hell is Shane blabbering about this time? We'll get there.

You know how guys facing various facets of aging take on long forgotten aspects of their youth such as buying that sports car (or pimped out minivan) of his childhood dreams or reliving the memories of scoring four touchdowns in a game playing for Polk High School. For me, its more geeky. Since I've been banned from watching Jeopardy, I've taken on other pursuits. Yesterday I liberated our Wii, itself a flashback to a mispent youth. Now I can take on Bionic Commando, Pro Wrestling, and even Contra! That's right:

"Congratulations! You've destroyed the vile Red Falcon and saved the universe. Consider yourself a hero."

How's that for a pat on the back! Plus all those years where I remembered ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A and was led to believe those brain cells had a greater purpose, well look who's typing now---byatch! It's great to be alive!

The End is Near

On Sunday August 3rd 2008, the Advantium became self aware.

Liz and I both like to cook, but we love kitchen gadgets. You name it, we've owned it, and with no one holding us back for sanity's sake, its a miracle we're not smothered in gadgets. With a solid household income, Amazon Prime, and infomercials, it's really only space that's holding us back. It really was an issue when her gadget collection united with mine, and until recently we were hovering at that rather restrictive ceiling.

We decided to kick things up a notch by building a new wall of cabinets to house gadgets plus a counter top to display our prized possessions. Out came the breadmaker and the blender, Cuisinart, and KitchenAid had proper homes. We really shouldn't get more, lest we go back to shuttling stuff to/from the garage, but there just had to be a better option. We need more stuff!!!

Like most folks, we have a microwave (two actually), and I'm not sure if this is normal, but we NEVER used it--err either of them. Our solution? Get a new (third) microwave. A cry for help? Not really, as this one can go over the stove. We needed a new vent anyway, and this hardly cost much more, and it's a gadget!

Oh boy, is it a gadget. You see it's a microwave, a vent, and a light ... but wait there's more: it's also a convection oven! But if you order in the next 20 minutes, we'll throw in the ability to cook with halogen lights! Geesh, how could we resist (especially on clearance). We couldn't, and the next thing you know, we're tearing out cabinets, running wires through walls, and rebuilding cabinets to make room for ... The Advantium.

The geniuses at GE (the company that brought us Lexan, Borazon, and ALF!) created this triumverate of cooking, and the halogen bulbs are the real advancement (seems a lot like a heat lamp at Mickie D's to me). The real kicker is how the thing thinks. It knows what you want to do, and then outsmarts you. It's more human than human, and all to scary. The end is near.

Now I just need to figure it out.

I'm grabbing the bottled water and heading the the basement

There end is near!!!!

There will be a Cornhole game for the Wii! I've written about this exercise in laminess and idiocy, before. What is the world coming to! I'm still waiting for a decent curling game for the Wii. Now that's a sport worth promoting.

I guess I like Craig more than that dude Tom

As y'all know, I'm an avid photographer, and some might say a good one (my philosophy: if you take enough pictures, one has to be good). For the past 3+ years, I've enjoyed my trusty Panasonic FZ10, which somehow came to be known as the "Fluzi" among its owners. Now, it wasn't some cheap fluzy--it cost most of my bonus a few years ago, but it certainly paid for itself through not having to buy/develop film. It also made the film camera I got just a few months before rather unnecessary. Anyway, I got a new camera a few weeks ago, one camera to rule them all!!!

Believe it or not, this blog isn't so much about getting a new camera as it is about an odd phenomena--Craig's List. While I got my new camera along with a lens, the combination is best for nearer subjects, not the distant critters one sees at the zoo and other places I wander. I knew this getting into the whole affair planning on using the proceeds from selling my two cameras to buy an uberlens. That's where Craig's List comes in. I had sold things via the company classified ads (they're online), but I knew the bigger net I cast, the higher price I could get. I really didn't want to mess with eBay, so I instead posted a few ads on Craig's List. at first it seemed too easy, offers started pouring in, then I realized that when you filtered out morons who thought a 35mm camera was digital, scams involving mailing it to Nigeria as a wedding gift in exchange for some dubious money order, or people who got cold feet and suddenly needed to tend to sick puppies (heard that a few times), it wasn't as easy as it seemed. In the process I mentioned Craig's list to a coworker who sold a boat in a manner of hours. Frustration set in, but in the end I got rid of both cameras and a PS2. Not bad.

All in all the place really seems like quite the active marketplace, and I suppose I'll use it again (you can't beat the price). I'm still amazed how close to the price of a new item someone will pay for a used one. Geesh. Oh, for you camera buffs out there, I got a Nikon D70s (refurb--yeah I'm a cheap German bastard), 18mm - 135mm f/3.5-5.6G ED-IF AF-S lens, and a 70-300mm f/4.5 - 5.6G ED-IF AF-S VR lens.

All of my newer pics can be found here.

Life's Great Mystery

Sometimes I'm left with a great question that demands an answer, and now is such a time. Recently we've taken to watching the Lord of the Rings trilogy as an attempt to help us sleep. Watching these movies, in there extended versions can really lead one into a tired stupor and eventually a restful slumber. We also have been listening to the Harry Potter books on our iPods, and I always think about Star Wars. The question, if you were to want one man to have your back in a gang fight, who would it be? Gandolf, Dumbledore, or Yoda?

Yoda is a badass, like no other in that galaxy far far away way back when. He's so full of those MIDI accordions that he could start a techno polka band. When you see past all of that Jedi Jive, it's hard not to see him as the star of Little People Big World Degobah Edition. I could also see him getting tossed around by some drunk wookies in a cantina on Kashyyyk. I suppose that's better than dealing with that whiney farm boy Skywalker.

Dumbledore is pretty tough, the only dude that Vol He Who Must Not Be Named, is afraid of. He can take on loads of aurors without a scratch on his back, and he can have a bit of a smart ass streak to boot. Then again, he is the brother of a guy who does god knows what to goats, plus he puts up with Harry's thick skulled nature far too much.

Now Gandolf, he fought death and won. He can manipulate rulers, use wicked magic, and even whack someone on the head as needed. He is wise beyond anyone's imagination, and he isn't afraid to get down and dirty. Moreover, he also can shave that beard and bust out that groovy purple helmet and bend metal and shit. He could have gotten Luke's X-wing out of the swamp; he could make car's fly; and he could kick some serious ass. Gandolf is who I'd want to have my back.

I'm a dork.

The Irony of all Ironies

I can't believe I haven't written about this before, but i suppose it was out of a bit of kindness that I refrained from telling this tale. Looking back, it's really just a good laugh.

Last year, in an attempt to not appear to be the old man I am, I relented to Liz's persuasion to get around to reading those Harry Potter books that are so popular with the younger folks these days. I had managed to work my way through five of the books, with only one left to go (there were only six written at the time), and I knew that it wouldn't be too long until I managed to finish that one as well. Liz was at her PC, doing what she often does, perusing through the wonderful web of Harry Potter sites, forums, blogs, and other stuff crafted by folks with way too much free time. I sat, amusing myself with her quest, likely with thoughts wandering about my mind about god knows what. Anyway, I sat there and heard Liz giving an account of some jerk posting a spoiler about the end of book six on a person's blog, hours after the book was released. This person was a jerk because, few people could have read the whole book by then, and they should have knew better.

The irony was that Liz revealed the spoiler in her account, complaining about this dude's insensitivity, she told me Dumbledore was dead, knowing I hadn't read book 6. She inadvertently did the same thing the jerk did, but unlike him, she didn't mean any harm, and I laughed then as I do now. It was just too funny.

My Odd Hobby (continued)

Last month I wrote about my odd hobby of wandering through the Wikipedia, getting lost in articles about interesting topics, which likely only interest me (and whoever put so much effort into writing that article). At the time I used some articles regarding death metal, death grunts, cookie monstering, etc.. as examples of my readings. Yesterday I discovered the greatest hidden treasure of interesting crap. The holy grail of time wasting. Articles regarding pro wrestling.

While I'm not the wrestling aficionado my girlfriend is, I've watched more than a little wrestling, and I've had friends who are more than willing to suspend disbelief (I've found that some refer to these types as smarks) in the whole show (which is known as Kayfabe). I can still remember the good ole days (rather Monday nights) of watching Raw and Nitro simultaneously either at my friend Mark (the dude who believe it all way too much) or better yet Hungry Howies, where all you can eat pizza met two different wrestling programs at once--a perfect storm of white trash euphoria. It almost brings a tear to my eye.

Anyway, I've read up on the Montreal Screwjob, which some people really seem bothered by, the Freebird Rule, the Dusty Finish, and the fact I wasn't the only one grossed out by X-Pac. Histories on The New World Order, the Four Horsemen, and Legion of Doom, D-Generation X are more complete than much of the crap I learned in school. I know more about Ric Flair, Gorilla Monsoon, and Sgt Slaughter (did you know he recorded a whole album--complete with a Niel Diamond cover!)

My Odd Hobby

Well, actually I have many odd hobbies, but one blog at a time. In my free time, which I tend to have an excess of, I often veg on the internet, and one of my favorite places to do so is the Wkipedia. What's a Wkipedia, well it's part wiki, a collaborative community knowledge repository where everyone can make contributions, and it's part encyclopedia (if you don't know what an encyclopedia is, you really have more important things to tend to than read my blogs). Anyway, it's an odd nerd ecosystem, where anyone can create or edit entries on anything. While there is a potential for really poor or rather biased entries, it doesn't end up much worse than Britannica or anything else (it's certainly more accurate than your average know-it-all, even me). What is real interesting is the scope of articles, especially the details available on some of the more tangential subjects, and how you can quickly go from one area of knowledge to another.

One such example was this Saturday, when Liz and I were watching Stay Alive, a rather forgettable story, sort of a Ring meats Playstation, with a touch of Dracula. Anyway, the description isn't so good, but the movie wasn't either (by our standards, it was better than many though), anyway, it featured a rather bastardized (and Americanized) rendition of the Elizabeth Báthory story or urban legend (is it an urban legend if it originated in rural society? is there a rural legend?). We looked up her entry, and read up on what people had to say. I won't bore you with he details, though in all honesty it's an interesting, though grizzly, bit of history, but I will mention our odd journey that followed.

We managed to confirm what Liz already knew (someone likes to read up on serial killers), and we found links to various references to her in pop culture. These included various books, games, and a lot of bands--especially death metal bands. Hmm, when all else fails, I can always laugh at death metal. We noticed that there were death metal bands mentioned, black metal bands mentioned, and blackened death metal bands. Hmm, I like blackened seafood, maybe I'd like blackened death metal? We had to read up on this new subgenre, and we were rewarded with a highly technical assessment of the genre, its roots, and practitioners of the 'art'. A link to the article on death grunts was our next jumping point, and that led us to doom metal, melodic doom metal, and gothic metal. Did you know doom metal has subgenres? traditional doom, epic doom, death doom, black doom, funeral doom, drone doom, stoner doom, sludge doom, and the all other doom category: avant garde doom. I find it interesting that enough people care about the differences between these subgenres and can distinguish each one. These articles are written about as well as those on the Declaration of Independence or William Shakespeare.

Anyway, it passes the time, and it will prepare me for my appearance on Jeopardy. "I'll take Swedish death metal bands for $1000 Alex".

Is my son gay?

Being a single parent is rough, especially with Myspace. I have two kids who're online quite often, both of which have Myspace profiles. A while back I noticed that my daughter was getting hit on by older married men, including those with kids almost her own age. I've also seen that my son gets messages via Myspace from chicks who appear to be porn stars. Now I see that my son is getting friend requests from gay dudes who want to share nude pics! I've discovered naked pics of my son on his profile, so it's all very seedy. I want to barf. Is it because he's online and I dunno what to do about him? Is it because he's sharing naked pics? Is it because he's getting hit on? Is it because he might be gay (am I a homophobe)? Or is it because my son is a CAT, and I view bestiality as quite gross (gay or straight).

dildos, butt plugs, anal beads, blow up dolls, pocket pussies, double dongs, and vibrators

Once upon a time, I was seeking ways to make an extra buck (OK, I'm always seeking ways to make an extra buck), and I began daydreaming of different strategies to make a buck. I already was fixing PCs via my Rent a Nerd business, which did well enough, but I wanted to see what else I could come up with. A bunch of crazy-ass ideas entered my head, and I even ventured to mention a few to friends, which garnered more than a few laughs and odd looks. Undeterred, I kept the dream alive, and one day I was cruising in my pimpmobile, and the idea came to me.

Nookieway! Yes, a whole new galaxy of sexual toys and novelties (novelty is an interesting concept, which is mostly a ploy to avoid the usual FTC regulation of other devices). Anyway, I had more than a passing familiarity with the industry from my ex, and I had the necessary web skillz to pull it off. I didn't exactly want to deal with wholesalers or have an apartment full of dildos, butt plugs, anal beads, blow up dolls, pocket pussies, double dongs, vibrators, and other stuff I'd rather not mention, nor was the notion of returns that palatable, so I needed to find a better solution. I bought the domain name, set up my own web server, started on graphics, and did some research. In time I found a company which would work kinda like Tupperware or Mary Kay, just much cooler and all online. I'd find customers, they'd get their shit from this third party, and I'd get my cut (25f gross). The site looked custom, but the backend was shared with thousands of other fine merchants of smut.

At first it was slow, as few folks new of the site, and fewer still ordered. In time I had links (not many sites want to exchange links with a dildo mart), mostly on Hentai sites (an odd synergy of dorks and hornballs). Visitors picked up so did buyers (mostly dykes in Vermont). I got a few checks, and it ran its course from crazy idea to relatively unsuccessful business/interesting story to tell to people. I still own the store, but the domain lapsed and lord knows who owns it now.

Once I was at a gathering of Nationwiders after work (nothing work related--it was at a sports bar for Christ's sake), and one of the associates' wife had heard about my business. She had all sorts of questions (either her or hubby wanted a butt plug), and we talked for a bit, while hubby was wasted. He sorta came to when I gave her a card, and he was pissed (hehe, I know who likes the butt plug). Anyway, nothing happed, as no one really wants to fight a big ass pimp like me. Still a funny story.

Well, no more sex toy store, but I'm a pimp, and I still have my hoes. I'd write about them, but new privacy laws and shit makes it hard to do. Back in the day a pimp never had to think of HR issues and shit. Heck, I can't even fire that crippled ho of mine due to the restrictions imposed with the Americans with Disabilities Act. What's sad is that she's my top earner. Shit, I've already wrote too much. I should be getting a call from my attorney.

Don't hate me because you ain't me!

Over the years I've tried many things. Sometimes I pulled them off and looked like the superstar I am, and other times I fell flat on my face. Here lately, I've been spending quite a bit of time on Myspace (cause that's what cool people like me do), and it has presented many challenges and will soon give me many rewards. Now I know you've all seen those ads on Myspace, the ones where you are offered an enticing gift like an iPod, a RAZR phone, or even a ring tone for successfully completing a challenging game of skill. I bet you're wondering who's talented enough to not only try to throw the football through the tire (or ring of fire--dunno how those skillz differ) or fry the ants but also do it successfully, well that person is me. I am the shit! I can not only do those things, but also fed the koala (puppies too--quite a few hungry critters on Myspace), catch the cow, catch fireflies, and help George outlift Arnie.

You might think it's tacky gloating and all, but bite me. Don't hate me because you ain't me! I might not let you have one of those iPods I have coming to me. Heck, I already put in my two weeks notice, as I'm gonna start a new career just doing these challenging games. I'll try not to forget the 'little people' who knew me before I made it big time, but if I do--whatever. I'm the shit--get used to it.

My Failings as a Father

Everyday I seem to read or hear something bad about Myspace, and more and more it seems related to the ongoing menace of sexual predators. Sadly it seems parents are either oblivious or overprotective. I keep telling myself that there is no need for me to be either one, but it seems that I have overestimated my parenting skills.

I live at home with my two kids as a single dad. I work full time, and I can't always be there for them. I don't send them to some sitter, as I was a latch key kid myself, and it seemed to have worked out for me. Now my naivety has revealed itself. My little girl has been online, and she has a Myspace profile. I try to be aware of things, and when I found out about her Myspace account, it piqued my interest. Like most teenagers, it seems benign--until you see the naked pictures, older men, lewd comments, and porn stars. When I snooped to look at the messages she gets from older married men with kids--it disgusted me. The whole mess is filthy.

What kind of sicko wants to look at a naked girl--my naked girl? What kind of dirtbag hits on her? What kind of dad lets this happen? I will wrap this up and return to lowering my head in shame. I am a failure.