Tuesday, May 23, 2006

The Coming Menace

I've been working for my employer (I'd rather not say who, but if I were writing a rap about them Haitian pride might mentioned near the name of my employer for rhyming reasons) for quite a while, and besides people getting laid off, hours getting slashed, and benefits shrinking, I've never had any reason to fear for my job. I've been working in my current office building with a nice view of a field of concrete ears of corn (like a hundred 8 feet tall ears of concrete corn--no shit!) for almost three years. The whole time I wondered why half the urinals are those kiddy sized ones that are just above the ground. I know the water can be quite cold here in Ohio, but come on, not everyone has the same issues I do. A few possible conclusions have passed my mind, but now I have the answer, and it can be quite scary.

Oompa Lumpas! Yes, you read that correctly. In this era of outsourcing people view hard working well educated folks in India as the threat, but they are a red herring to divert attention from the menace of indentured anthropomorphic midgets who are insourced (is that a word--hmmm, I'll have to check with Secret). Anyway, that is the only conclusion I can draw, and it's scary. Doing some math it seems that if half the urinals are for midgets, then half of the employees will soon be Oompa Loompas. I don't know how else to prepare for the onslaught besides to learn to speak Oompa Loompish and eat lots of chocolate (if the demand for chocolate rises, the demand for Oompa Loompa-labor will as well, thus negating the benefits of hiring the little fellas). For now, I'm focusing on the latter.

Don't get me wrong, I love diversity, as long as I keep my job.

**Update** It has come to my attention that there is a group looking out for the plight of abused and overworked Oompa Loompas! People for the Ethical Treatment of Oompa Loompas! PETOL

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