I've used Macs for 25 years, but I never felt at home with one. I missed the second mouse button, an eject button on disc drives (they likely were before your time), and more than anything, I missed the ability to do stuff. Underpowered and under-gamed, there wasn't much a Mac could do before it crashed. Even when Steve Jobs came back iMacs and iPods gained conciousness, they were still underpowered and overpriced, but then things changed, almost as if the Mac went through puberty and grew a pair. People began to see iPods as cool, and they opened up to Apple. Apple finally had an operating system that didn't crash, and before long they became pretty PCs that could even run Windows. Then they started to get cocky. The Mac started taunting me with an endles stream of commercials, mocking me. No matter what I watched, it was there, not quite as bad as those damned "Saved by Zero" commercials. Couldn't the Dell Dude stand in for the I'm a PC guy? Maybe they could just smoke a bowl and get along together, and not mock me?
This was all still rather trite and silly, as no one I knew and respected used a Mac. Sure some people dabbled with one, a dirty weekend fling or something, but they showered up and returned to their true love, the PC. That all changed this week, when my homie decided to take his Mac envy to the next level. He looked, he touched, and he bought into the hype. Couldn't there be a Cheaters style show for these circumstances? Couldn't we just Punk him and shame him into getting a PC instead? All would be forgiven, and maybe we could just down a beer and laugh about it.
You see it's not that he's a lame poser, wooed by style and marketing schtick. No, he's genuinely cool. Ladies like him, guys like him; he sings, he writes; and he can make a mean homemade jalapeno popper. What's worse is that he's molding young minds, so we haven't just lost one to the cause, but maybe four! Now whenever I come over, the Mac will be there, staring me down and saying, he's mine bitch. I'll have to keep an eye out for a Bang & Olufsen catelog or Scientology's dreaded E-Meter. I don't even know if I can stop myself from slashing the tires on the Prius that he'll inevitably be crusing around in.
I'm a PC, and I'm just not cool enough for a Mac. I'm off to take a long shower to wash away my shame.
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