Thursday, April 06, 2006

Drinking Contest & Friends Threatening to Rape Friends

Once again, we're gonna reach into the archives for something to amuse folks and perhaps help them get to know me better:

In case you didn't figure it out, I'm not a former three-time midget tossing champ at the Clay County fair, nor was I really the runner up in the Fleming Island breakdancing competition (Caucasian division), and lastly I don't have, nor have I ever had, six fingers on each hand. I honestly have had dinner with a transvestite, and foreign authorities have accurately identified me as an international pimp extraordinaire. What follows is from a slightly earlier period in my life, my wild college days.

At the University of Florida, there is a tradition of excellence in the intercollegiate trivia circuit (there are actually three overlapping circuits with different formats and different factions supporting it), and being the nerd superstar I am, I needed to challenge myself for my place among the giants. Anyway, I tried out, and fortunately among the three formats (only two existed at the time), they were playing the mindless speed oriented shit, so I came correct and quickly got the props I deserved from the veterans and was accepted onto the team (technically student can show up, but some people are so annoying we use alternative means to let them know to never come back). Once on the team, I was able to partake in the real purpose of it all, to travel, drink, and be wild nerds on the loose. Here's once of those stories (I just realized I've introduced this blog three times, I'm impressed anyone is still following on):

So we're going on this trip to Nashville for a tournament at Vanderbilt University. Things started oddly, as my hyper dependant ex (who literally had issues being away from me for more than a couple hours-I'm not shitting you, it was fucked up) made a scene at the Student Union, as she didn't want me to leave. She was banging on the car, offering me a weekend full of endless sex if I stayed (and a life of hell from never breaking her of her dependency). Bros before hoes-plus, there was no shortage of sex, otherwise I couldn't put up with her at all. Actually I still can't figure out how even that was worth it, but anyway she made a scene, homeboys on the team were impressed I had a girlfriend, let alone a sex fiend (I was the only team member with a girlfriend).

The trip there was normal, well normal for a car full of oddly adjusted nerds with an absolutely insane amount of useless knowledge. There were actually a couple cars but who's counting. After a while we get there, and it's not too late. We won't be playing that night, which means we'll be partying. Fortunately we opted for something other than the usual Olive Garden and went to a Mexican place.

We get there, and it's rather crowded, but we do get a couple tables nearby each other. I was at the kiddy table with all the younger folks (I was in my 2nd or 3rd year of school at this point), which is cool because I was their hero. I was the anti-establishment alpha-nerd (boy I just remembered that story, it'll come before too long). I saw that Alex, the nerdiest of them all ordered a margarita, a big ass mo-fo margarita-my favorite. I can't let him show me up, "I'll have what he's having" I shouted. Before long the waitress comes over with two gigantic strong margaritas, one for Alex one for me (all the kids at my table were 17-19, so they were all bright eyed and jealous). Well not more than a second later, another waiter runs our five glasses for the other table. They were using the big margarita as a pitcher to scoop out of and into the glasses-pansies! Well somehow body English conveyed the notion that we were racing. I wasn't gonna lose to them, even if it was 5 on 1! Well, they weren't so smart, and they were still using straws. I just grabbed the big ole glass with both hands and chugged (it was a frozen margarita, so it hurt like you fucking could never ever imagine). Needless to say I won (barely as they adopted my "Olaf Technique" to finish things up). Upon my triumphant victory, I placed the glass down (well I may have been a little rough) and it shattered and cut the dickens out of my wrist (we concluded that freezing glass is really brittle). We kinda wore out our welcome, left a decent tip for their trouble (and the glass) and left.

Well from there, we went to a convenience store to get some 40s (not for sale in Florida, such bullshit). We all go in, make our choices, and go to the counter where this odd white trash lady was working (she looked worse than the worst substitute school bus driver I ever seen, like the one on South Park). Somehow the topic of men was brought up, and she wanted to share her sage wisdom: "Men! Ha, you don't need any of that bullshit. A woman needs two things-two things: a vibrator and a dog." Most of us left, but Alex remained to peak his curiosity (this may be a one in a million chance for an anthropology major like him to study white trash in the wild). We sat in the parking lot, chugged our 40s, and eventually we all left for the hotel.

The hotel was your normal Holiday Inn affair, but it had added the perk of a jacuzzi tub. Kevin immediately took over that, and the rest of us were locked out of the bathroom. Little Dan showed his ingenuity by using the sink as a makeshift urinal (I've never done that or saw it done), and Mark and I became restless. He and I went down to the hotel bar which happened to be redneck themed. Well, I don't know exactly what happened, but we drank a lot and we sang karaoke. After that we staggered back to the hotel room without a key. Allegedly I kicked the door down-can't recall that, and I had a bed all to myself (Little Dan slept on the floor). Kevin and Mark shared a bed, which seemed innocent enough. It wasn't.

After laying in bed a bit, I started to hear Mark talking real loud about how Kevin better watch his back, as he (Mark) was gonna get him some if Kevin doesn't watch out. It kept escalating (and poor little Kevin just curled into a ball), as Mark would be like, "I'm gonna make you and honest woman tonight" and "Mmmm, hmmm uhhh huhhh gonna get me some". What's scary is that Dan and Kevin were convinced this was no act, rather the subconscious rantings of a delusional drunk (Mark claims to remember nothing of it-Kevin is still wandering Europe from his scars).

The next day we played hungover and did well as usual. I can't recall if we won it all that week or not.

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