Thursday, April 26, 2007

Bob Barker is a Prophet

Everyone should be spayed and/or neutered. If you guessed today is take your brat to work day, give yourself a pat on the back. I'm no marketing guru, but Trojan man should make appearances all over the country today, at workplaces inundated with bright-eyed, sometimes bushy-tailed little tykes, running around, getting in my way, and otherwise making it hard to do my job.

Now don't get me wrong, it's not so much them stopping me from working that makes it a living hell, rather the fact that they stop me from working AND make it hard to enjoy it. Nothing bugs a slacker more than not getting any satisfaction from loitering.

What's odd is I had forgotten that today was the day, despite dreading it all week, but subconsciously I was really dreading heading in today. I had chalked it up to dreary weather and a desire to crawl back into bed, but now I know better, and I should have just followed my instincts, as last year was no better.

Oh well, at least yesterday was a good day, and maybe I'll survive to tomorrow. If not, it has been a good life--until today.

Monday, April 23, 2007

I don't really have much to write about, but ...

I'll ramble on anyway. Recently the most prevalent matter for discussion in my life has been work, and I know better than to write about that. I suppose I could do the typical Ohio thing and write about the weather, but I suppose I could only do when I have reason to complain, and that ain't now. I did discover today that I could listen to one song in the time it takes to pull out of my garage, drive to work, and make my way upstairs and to my desk--the song is appropriately named Autobahn (if you've ever driven with me you'd know why it can be appropriate). Speaking of driving, last week my girl Ashley got banged up Old Testament style, she was stoned. Fortunately not to death, but it still sucks.

Liz and I have been hitting the theaters, with movies ranging from borderline suckdom to downright brilliant (Hot Fuzz). We've also discovered a pretty decent place to grab some chow, BJ's Brewhouse (where ironically enough they don't brew anything). Their signature dish, the Pizzookie, implies it's a mashing of pizza and a cookie, but it's not quite as good as that. Don't get me wrong it's delicious, but it's like when a dude describes a chick as a goddess, unless she's truly divine, and I mean able to shoot lightning bolts out of her fingers and all that omnipotent shit (none of that weak-ass demigod BS either), it's all hyperbole. Anyway, the Pizzookie is real good, just not pizza * cookie good. I guess that's it. I told you I didn't have much to write about.

Peace Out Homies!

Monday, April 02, 2007

Time to get that can of whoop-ass back off the shelf

Well, once again it is time for those nutty Buckeyes to face a reality check, and sadly once again it will have to come from my Florida Gators. Looking back to December, there was a lot of talk on the TV, the radio, and most annoyingly everywhere else up here about how Ohio State was gonna kick Florida's ass in basketball, then again for the national championship in football. For the record Florida won by 26 points in basketball. Well, that didn't really put a damper on all the talk that they'd kick Florida's ass in football for the championship. For the record Florida won by 27 points in football.

Well tonight Florida an Ohio State will meet again for a national championship, and they will meet again in basketball, as it is the basketball championship. Will the Gators win by 28 tonight? Who knows, and they may even lose--I seriously doubt that, but I won't be as arrogant as Bubba Buckeye, who incidentally seems very quiet today. That swagger was absent all day at work, and I think that a bit of humble pie has been consumed. I hope it stays that way, and worst case scenario, I know any Buckeye fan would trade 10 basketball championships for one in football. We already won that one.

Go Gators!

I hate you fat--sweaty dude with the lawnmower

This afternoon while cruising home, I had the unfortunate experience of seeing some big fat dude with his gratuitous plumber butt transitioning to his sweaty hairy back. While this was horrifying, it wasn't for the aforementioned reasons, ney it was what he was doing. Mowing his fucking lawn.

Goddamn Ohioans love their lawns too damn much, and they seem to love all of the crap that makes having a lawn suck more than anything. They love to mow; they love to fertilize; the love to weed. For a city with so many Mexicans, you'll fine nothing more futile than looking for a Mexican gardener, as there are none. Everyone loves to garden too much to pay someone a few pesos to do it for them.

Granted, Liz has suggested that we hire someone to mow the lawn, but somehow I'd feel ashamed to do it. Not so much because no one here does it, as I'm growing tired of some of the neuroses of Ohioan,s no, I'd have a hard time dealing with the fact that my mother or father mows the yard in the Florida heat with twice the yard. Until I can put them in a home somewhere, I will just do my duties and mow my lawn, but I'll be damned if I will do it just because I can. You Ohioans are sick--sick lawn mowing bastards!

I hate you fat sweaty dude with the lawnmower

This afternoon while cruising home, I had the unfortunate experience of seeing some big fat dude with his gratuitous plumber butt transitioning to his sweaty hairy back. While this was horrifying, it wasn't for the aforementioned reasons, ney it was what he was doing. Mowing his fucking lawn.

Goddamn Ohioans love their lawns too damn much, and they seem to love all of the crap that makes having a lawn suck more than anything. They love to mow; they love to fertilize; the love to weed. For a city with so many Mexicans, you'll fine nothing more futile than looking for a Mexican gardener, as there are none. Everyone loves to garden too much to pay someone a few pesos to do it for them.

Granted, Liz has suggested that we hire someone to mow the lawn, but somehow I'd feel ashamed to do it. Not so much because no one here does it, as I'm growing tired of some of the neuroses of Ohioan,s no, I'd have a hard time dealing with the fact that my mother or father mows the yard in the Florida heat with twice the yard. Until I can put them in a home somewhere, I will just do my duties and mow my lawn, but I'll be damned if I will do it just because I can. You Ohioans are sick--sick lawn mowing bastards!